Dear Staff,

Learn how to do your job.

Thank you.


*Even though the new Timmies looks nicer- when you have seven people behind the counter and the person putting in the order still doesn't know what they're doing, and two others are just standing around- aesthetics don't count when the people are still useless*

So I'm going to get my hair cut, and this is the style I want.



YAY for being a girl and making random impulse decisions!

New Years Resolutions:

1. Try to keep on top of school work.
2. Balance Work life and Personal life.
3. Go to the gym more often (to play squash)

Let's see how this works!

So let's see, not much has happened since my last post. Ok, well it has, but it's not like anything major or huge.

I got almost all the gifts for him, hoping the pick comes in tomorrow, though I heard that the mail service is taking longer than normal, let's hope not. I also ordered his actual present today, and it shipped out this afternoon, so I should be getting that as well.
He asked me when I wanted to exchange gifts and so I told him that we could do it on the 22nd, the last day we're together before I leave for christmas holidays. Then I asked if he wanted to open them then or wait, he said he wanted to open it day of, soooo I changed my twelve days to start on the 10th, so the 12th day will be the 21st (our christmas eve), and the 22nd is our christmas day.
The only thing I'm worried about it the scrapbook as I haven't received anything from Stef or York, so I might message them a reminder... I'll need to complete everything a week early, soooo it's kinda important that they get the stuff to me soon.

Let's see, this weekend was amazing. I was able to spend friday night with him, we watched the emperor's new groove, and then went to sleep. Saturday he made me breakfast, which consisted of french toast, bacon, and longineesa (though I don't know if that's spelt right). OMG sooooo good. The boy can cook. Then we went to the store, came back and watched Fido, The simpson's movie, and Pans Labyrinth. After which we had a deep conversation which was fantastic, because it really shows off his softer side and it lets me know where he stands on our relationship.

As for an awww moment- he drew I<3U in the snow for me, so if I looked out my window I could see it^_^ I felt so loved.
Then we made pizza, played Pirates life- and I won, and went to sleep. We had to wake up early as my mom was coming the next day.

Him meeting her, was probably the best and worst thing in the world. Both because the two of them got along famously well. Which meant an afternoon of having them both pick on me -_- I was far from amused, but I was happy too. So my mother gave him the stamp of approval, which is awesome, cause I trust her judgement, and he met Meeshii, and she gave him, a thumbs up for first impressions, though she still has to grill him.


So yeah, that was weekend. Then today was spent writing one 7 page essay, and then a 6 page essay. Both of which are completed so now I can watch House MD.

Right freakin on.

So yeah, that's it for now. I'm happy, and relaxed, and comfortable, which I haven't been in a long time. The greatest thing about this relationship is that there's no pressures attached to it, because we're both so open with each other. We both understand what the other sees in the relationship, we're both on the same page relatively, or at least we know what page the other's on. I dunno how to explain it, but it's awesome and open and honest which I've never had with any guy, and it's so fucking refreshing.

So yeah, this week, is all about finishing up his gifts, and working on my Prompt book, maaaybe studying for a final or two... we'll see, lol.

Take care everyone! Stay warm!

Ian, Emily- FUCK OFF!

Today I had the same thoughts I did when I was twelve. I've gotten past the ten year mark, but it doesn't mean I've forgotten or haven't thought about it since. It wasn't a stupid young thought at that age, though it might be now.
I'm refusing to leave my room and go downstairs because I'm sure I'll do something that I'll regret, no matter how logical it may seem at the time. I'm stopping, mostly, because I know it's not a smart move, and partly, because of promises. Too many, made to too many different people, some of whom, I don't think really care, some of whom I'm sure have forgotten, and some of whom I don't think ever understood what it means. Right now, all those promises, aren't holding me back, logic is, which in the long run is probably better.

For those, who don't know, and have yet to clue in. . . twelve was the age, or around the age where I brought a knife in my room to slit my wrists. Suicidal at twelve, and though depression has always been in my life and suicidal thoughts have never left my mind, I haven't had serious thoughts about it since that age. Now, they're here again- probably a good thing I'm going to see my counselor tomorrow.
I've never been scared of dying, probably because of the one advantage that dying has that the living does not- Freedom. You're free from any obligations, feelings, pain, happiness yes, but, for a constant state of neutrality, I'd give my life for that. Course, I'm also the one that's willing to give their life for a complete stranger because I don't believe that my life should mean more than theirs.

I think, a large part of it has to do with the fact that, life, is lived. I've lived, in the metaphorical sense of the word, in the literal sense too, but... it's in the symbolic sense that I haven't. I mean, I'm living, and I've traveled, I've gone through a lot of emotional experiences- heartbreak, love, I've experienced a loved one dying, I've gone through more than enough painful family experiences, the only thing I've yet to do is get married and have kids. The children part though, I've been mature enough to take care of my brother most of my life, coach a dancing group and be their big sister in a foreign country, so all in all, yeah I've taken care of kids and their problems.
I've lived in the sense that I've gone through most of the things in life that one goes through, and some things that few will ever experience.

Where the problem lies, and where I think the root of my problem lies in the fact that, well, I've lived for others. Everything I've done has been for the happiness of others. I listened to the problems of others as a kid and didn't talk about my own, and yeah I was depressed because of that, so I've tried to open up more, and now that I have, I've been hurt the worst by the people I confided in. Yes, there are those that have been there for me, and I've been grateful for those people who've been there along the way, and they know who they are. There are also the people who help me and their help is unexpected, and for that I'm grateful as well, but honestly, I don't know what I want.

I've always been helping others, and that's fine, and great, and I love helping others, but, it's not what I want- in the sense that, I'm happy and I want to help them, but by helping them, it's not necessarily what I want to do. This in turn has caused me to be strong for others, incredibly strong for others, but, also, incredibly weak for myself. I would push myself to my limits and beyond for someone else, no worries, no question, but I can't do it for myself.
A large part is that, I don't know how. I mean, I can take care of myself physically, but emotionally, I've always kept most of my feelings to myself, so this whole opening up, and dealing with problems on my own, and for myself, is foreign, confusing, and a place I'm not use to being in.

It's just that I don't know what I want in life. That's the largest part of the whole suicide thing for me. People say that there is a meaning to life, or a purpose, whatever, and right now, I don't have that. So, what's the point in living, if you have nothing to live for?
Yes I have people I could live for, but I've been doing that my whole life, and I'm at a point where that's not healthy, and I know it isn't. I just don't know what it is that I want and what I have to live for, I can't find something to live for, as sad as that sounds.

I mean, to live for happiness that isn't certain, a happiness that I can't find, that I don't even know what it is? Live to work, travel, get hurt, have moments good and bad, that's, not enough for me. That's too vague, too broad. I NEED something to live for, something for myself to live for. I don't know what that is, and if I can't find something, then what's the point?

Like, why am I here now? To get grades enough to pass classes, graduate, get a recommendation to a profession I don't even know I want to go into, to work, to get money to pay off bills and debt, and live, so that in the end I can die?

Sorry, but why the hell would I go through all of that? If there was a reason, a reason I believed in, a point to it all, it'd be easier, I might be able to get stronger, but, I'm not there yet, and I don't know how to get there.

Now, if I've freaked you out, I'm sorry. I'm not going to hurt myself, or kill myself. Not yet. Not because it's not fair to those around me- again, I said life is for the person living it, not for others- but because I haven't given this a fair enough chance. I know the problem, I know I have to fix it, and once I find something to live for, if that doesn't work, well then, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

You see, I've never been happy. I've had happy moments, mostly the result of other people, but, before I can be happy with someone else, I need to know that I can be happy on my own. I should be happy with my life, and yet I'm not. I NEED a reason to be happy with my life, I NEED something to live for, and until I find that, I won't be happy.

The thoughts will continue, fine. I won't do anything about them, trust me. At least, I won't until I've given life a fair chance.

Meg and I are on talking terms again, makes me happy. It's more that we've clarified things and there's a mutual understanding of what happened. So right now, though things aren't back to the way they were, and they won't be for a while, we're on speaking terms.

Things are slowly getting better.

(This would be the point where Karma kicks me in the stomach)

Eyes are the gateways to the Soul; Dreams are the gateway to the Mind
~ Jess Petro (Oct. 14, 2007)

I'm currently in a transitional period in my life, but I think that it is all for the best. I want to look at myself and change a few things. Some of them are personal changes, physical, mental, emotional, just things that I think will help me later in life and things that I want to do because of self-improvement, and some... well just cause I want to.

Other aspects are more complicated and not quite so simple as working out more, and this is the one thing that I'm really going to have to focus and work on. I need to find out who I am and what I want in life. I mean, I know the basics, but right now, that's not enough. I want to find out who I am, what makes me me, why I do what I do, and most importantly, who I am.

This has already started a bit with me going through things and getting rid of a lot of items that don't represent me or what I believe in, or that I care about. I've most often put others before myself, and when I haven't... I don't think those choices were made right either. So, I need to look for a balance. A balance of what I want, mixed with helping out others and their needs.

It won't be easy, and I know that to those around me it'll be difficult as I might seem like I'm always changing, but I assure you, it's for the best.

I only wish, I was somewhere else right now. I wish I did not have to do this with soo many external factors clouding my thoughts and actions. Though, I'm a strong person, I'll be able to do this, I just need time. And time is unpredictable and varies, but I'll get through it.

There's nothing anyone can do, I need to do this on my own. Course, if there's anything you want to say to me, about myself, I'll listen, as always, and I'll do my best to factor it into this change that I am going through.

Too many times I've taken the same path as others, and too many times I've taken the road less traveled. It's time I made my own path.

EDIT

Step 1- Clear out my itunes. Clear out my room of anything I don't need, doesn't mean anything to me, brings bad thoughts to mind.
Just try to clean out everything that's not me.

Start fresh.

I need to talk... to both... soon. I can't keep this up.

D' you breathe the name of your saviour in your hour of need,
And taste the blame if the flavor should remind you of greed?
Of implication, insinuation and ill will, 'til you cannot lie still,
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill

Come feed the rain
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust

It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed
All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need
I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore
And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before

Come feed the rain...
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust

Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning

A little update for those interested.

There's a show that I am currently involved with and is the third year show "The Flying Doctor and That Scoundrel Scapin". Both good shows- directed by Schonberg, written by Moliere, and performed by a charming cast. Opening night was on Thursday, after which there was a gala, people got drunk, was entertaining. There are three more shows- 22-24, and though my job is small, and I hate that, I guess it's not all that bad. I mean, if I used my time more productively, I could get a lot of serious work done.

That's the show though. As for my radio show, well week four is coming up, and it's the laziest and fastest program that me and my co-host have ever put together. We kept a lot from last weeks show that we didn't finish, and other than that, there was so little else that we needed. The following week will be just as simple as we have a guest speaker and dear friend of mine coming in to talk on the show.

Let's see... what else... classes I guess. Classes are going decently. I have many essays and projects due, none of which I've started, so that's not good. I keep putting them off, but I know I have to get them done, and plan on starting soon. The other problem is that I keep joining new shows and helping others out while putting my life on hold. Part of it is my own fault as I love procrastinating, as well as helping others. The other is that I can't say no, and people keep asking me first without thinking of others who might be able to help them. Alright, so that's my fault too since I've made myself so damn helpful... I need to stop that.

Ummm... what else... was taking pictures today, and am still procrastinating from studying and doing actual work, which is far from good, but I'm not complaining- tis St. Patty's Day, and I'm wearing green, and am happy. Wish it was on a school day though. Could actually get all gussied up (which means, putting on body tattoos of shamrocks).

Oh, though, the snow... not cool. Bloody weather.

I think that's all for now... I need to actually get to work, and do laundry.

Until next update,
~Jess

Theatre 101- Mondays from 10-11am, on fusionradio.ca with Tech and Kek!

So, what does that wonderfully crazy sentence mean? In short- I have a radio show!
In long- I have a talk show with a wonderful co-host about all the many different aspects of theatre. Writing, directing, acting, ect.

This week (AKA TOMORROW! AH!) we shall be talking all about our wonderful selves, and giving a breakdown of what the show will consist of and all that fun jazz.

The show is called Theatre 101. It is on every monday morning, and you can listen to the wonderful podcast by going to fusionradio.ca and clicking the listen live button!

So tune in... I'm letting you peeps know because I trust your judgment of the show.

Enjoy!
~Jess/ Tech

Right, so a few things.

1) I figured after not writing anything since September, no one would have notice my entry- I was wrong VERY wrong. So thank you to everyone who saw and commented and supported.

2) I apologise to the person I wrote this about for finding out this way (it wasn't intended as I wrote it just to vent) you deserve me actually talking to you.

3) It was written much harsher than it should have been, so word of advice, don't post something that bothers you while PMSing... not good.

4) Everything with me and said person is fine now as we had a wonderful talk and much is cleared up. They are over said boy, and reasons for them getting upset was not out of jealousy but for other logical and understandable reasons.
We have decided to have a girl hour/night at least once a week to make sure that we're good and caught up with each others lives.

SOOOO, please don't think ill of said person they are a dear friend of mine, and though I was mad, things are much better now.

Alright so first of all, sorry to Candace for not being able to spend any time with her over the summer. I mean a good amount of time, not just my random appearances at Tim Hortons a month before I had to leave.

So other than that.. I got a tattoo, am now settled back at school, survived orientation while on the drama society. Will probably be manning the table during clubs week, which is fine by me, I like meeting the frosh, and seeing old friends again.

Class starts on monday, kinda looking forward to that, kinda not, but we shall see. I'm sure as hell not looking forward to waiting at the registrars office, but there''s very little that I can do in that regard.

Ummm other than that, I guess there's really nothing much to say. Last day of work was good though a bit sad. Still need to get in touch with the accountant chick.. that hasn't been fun.

So yeah, here's a goodluck to all of us this year!

Alright, so yesterday after getting in a bit of a tift with my family, I managed to get them in an alright mood when discussing my tattoo. So for the past two days especially, I have been stoked, like so fucking excited it is insane. Which of course, is when Karma decided to strike.. mother... fucker....

SOOOOO, take my mom to work early (to port colborne), and am driving back when I realize my wallet is in Welland in my purse which I never take anywhere... and now you know why. So fly back to welland to make it to NF before my appointment, get there right on time, to be told by the artist, that it would take him an up to an hour to redo it.

It woulda been better had it been just line art, so now he has to re-draw it. Which woulda ben fine cause I still had time. However, after explaining to him what I wanted with the tail, he explained that it would bad since ti would look it disapeared and then just re-appeared, and so for him to re-do the tail, re-draw the dragon, and make the lines smoother, I needed another appointment.

SOOOOO on thursday... in six days... almost a week... I get to go again.....

I

Am

Not

Thrilled.

I know it's for the best.... but still.... fuck you too Karma.

Alright, so I said I'd do a longer post later, and it's later, later then I intended in fact and for that I apologize.

Alright, so let's start with the trip in Niagara Falls shall we?

So my family was over and all was well for the most part. We went to NF, had a good time and then I went to work. I come home and Chris had left because my mom had said something and now my cousins are upset. So I go home, saying I wanted to grab my bathing suit and go to talk to him. All I get from him, is an I don't care go away, and a door in my face (This was at his friend's house as he was kicked out of the house at the time... can you tell there will be more ranting by the end of this?).

So I give the phone number of the friend's house for my aunt to call, thinking she can reach him, she does and he agrees to get picked up in the morning. So I go with my aunt to get him and bring him to the falls. We have breakfast then go to see my play, which everyone loved! As they should, because the play is awesome. I know. ^_^

So that was NF, we came home that night, and they left the next morning. I also got to go on the ferris wheel... omg! Wish I had bought my camera by then. *grumbles about mother making her wait to buy it*

So a few days after that.. actually the day after they left I bought my camera, and I love it! Must buy more pictures... many many more.


------------------------------------------
Alright, so now for the more recent shit.

So there was a "Family meeting this morning" basically my mother said that she was going to sell the house and wondered if we were ok with it. I said, "I already told you my opinion" and that was that from me. Then as my brother gets all excited about it, my mother says, "I didn't say who was moving in" and he gets upset and goes downstairs.

So.. this brings another point... my brother has been allowed back inside the house. WOOOOOOOW SURPRISED ANYONE? I'm not! I was shocked he stayed out that long, but he really wasn't just took longer to let him back in the house then I thought.

So he's back in, bitching about throwing me out of the basement, when I have to move my shit back upstairs anyway, so Im like, whatever asshole. Sooo now I have to listen to his music blaring cause there is nothing I can do because he is allowed back inside the house... which fucking sucks! I get to live like a prisoner yet again... whooFUCKINGhoo...

Thank god I have a job with wonderful people and thank god I'm leaving here in a month. That's all that stopping me from going nuts, going on a killing spree, and leaving the fucking house right this minute.

Well I think that's all for now... oh no.. lies.. I love my job, I mentioned that I had this family thing to go to, which was the reason I couldn't go to the party that was being had, and they were so caring and wondering if I'd be alright, and the next day asking how it went, and telling me to tell them to fuck off. It was awesome.

However, we didn't go out, and so I went to the party and everyone was surprised and happy to see me! I felt soooo loved. So the party was at crystal beach and it was awesome. I had a tiny bit to drink as I was driving from the falls home, and as I rule I drink nothing, but it was like a shot glass amount of vodka and juice.. and I was there for like... 4 hours... well enough time for it to wear off, when it did nothing in the first place.

So I got to talk to a lot of people, found out a lot about John, including that his school is in Toronto so I might visit with him come sept. I also got to talk to Aaron and a bunch of other people, omg was sooo much fun! Though I didn't get to go swimming which might have been good, though was also sad as everyone said the water was amazing.


ok... ending on a happy note.. sorry about the length...

Until next update,
~Jess

((Only one spelling mistake.. sweet))

Alright, quick post...

back from the falls, was fun, family saw show- was awesome. Will be a longer update later.